The Stepford Pillow

The second chime of the bell summoned a middle aged man with a generous beer belly. He was unshaven, and his facial hair had a faint sheen of sweat, which I fancied I could smell- either directly from the man himself, or possibly because his scent had inhabited the walls of his establishment over many years.

He seemed to note my shyness and immediately set himself to putting me at ease, but in such an ingratiating fashion that I was more repulsed than charmed.

- Welcome, Welcome, come in, come in, it?s cold, isn?t it?

He clapped a fat, disturbingly warm hand onto my shoulder. His arm hair was thick and jagged and glistening.

- Good sir, good sir, how can I help you today, good sir?

My intentions battled with my shame for a moment, which manifested itself externally as a murmur that burped from my throat.

- No need to be shy now, my good sir, it?s not at all unusual, but it is entirely unnecessary. May I assume, without offence, that you?re here today for a `bot?

I cleared my throat and made a noise that I hoped would be taken for assent.

- Excellent, excellent, you?ve come to the right place, let me assure you. He coughed. Renting or purchase?

I had to admit, in my ignorance, I didn?t even realize that renting was an option. The idea was not one I found pleasant.

?Purchase, please.?

- A wise choice, good sir, indeed a wise choice! So what model are you interested in? The Fuckbot 3000 is, of course, our best seller, but the Dominator-X9 has been getting a lot of attention recently. Or perhaps you?re here for our newest model, the Fourway Fuckatron?

My ears felt as though they would burst on fire in embarrassment.

?Uhm, actually ?? I was quite unsure how to continue. I shuffled my feet nervously.

- No need to be embarrassed sir, foot fetishes are far more common that so-called-society cares to acknowledge, the Footbot 501 is a marvellous ?bot- can change the shape of its feet according to your mood! In fact . . .

I cut him off before he could continue: ?Actually, I?d heard about a ?bot that, ah, that just snuggled.?

- That just what now?

?Erm, snuggled.?

He stared at me expectantly.

?You know, lie together with arms and legs entangled??

- Ah! I see. Snuggling. Right. And then on to the fucking?

?No! No. Just snuggling.?

- Wouldn?t it be better to just do that with a real person?

?Yes.?

A few moments of silence elapsed before I realized that he was waiting for further exposition. I suppose I could have told the truth, but the veneer of civility that coats all human transactions forced me to generate a lie.

?I snore.?

He went into the back room to find a catalogue, and emerged a few moments later.

- Here we are sir, the Snugbot 209, previously released as ?The Spooner? (he snorted derisively), not particularly high in demand, but I think we may still have some at the warehouse. Breast size?

I hadn?t even remotely considered this.

?Er . . . B? No, wait, C.?

- Sorry sir, we only stock sizes D and above. There?s no demand for sub-C?s. I can make a call to the factory . . .

?No, no, D is fine. I don?t mind.?

He eyed me suspiciously.

- Hair colour? Most gentlemen prefer blondes, but to be honest (he leaned in conspiratorially) the hair on the blonde models is a bit stringy. I?d go for the brunette if I was you.

The delivery box arrived on my doorstep a week later. I suspected I saw a knowing smirk on the face of the deliveryman as I signed for it- not many packages are shaped like thin coffins.

I was somewhat surprised (although I had been warned) to open the coffin and find what appeared to be a desiccated corpse, translucent skin drawn tightly over a skeleton. My surprise advanced significantly when two protruding, glassy eyes, presumably activated by the light, popped open and the dried out lips began to move, and a surprisingly bubbly voice emerged.

- Hello. I am the Snugglebot 209. Please submerge me in cool water for eight hours to activate me. Thank you!

I laid the surprisingly light skeletal figure in a bathtub that I?d filled to the brim. It was already quite late, so I set my alarm to wake me in eight hours and went to bed.

Either I slept through my alarm or the `bot had activated early, because I was still in the space between sleep and waking when a figure slid into bed beside me, and wrapped its arms around me. It was still wet from the bath, but it was warm and smelled nice, so I returned the embrace, and fell into a deep sleep. Just before I dropped out of consciousness, I thought I saw the faint reflection of light in its eyes, staring at the ceiling.

When I awoke, those same eyes were still staring at the ceiling. It creeped me out.

?Can you close your eyes??

- Unfortunately, I am not equipped with that upgrade. If you?d like to download eye closing software, please say ?Yes? now. If you?d like to be reminded in thirty days, please say ?No? now.

?Yes.?

- My upgrade has been ordered! Eye-closing functionality will be downloaded shortly.

In the nights that followed, even though the eyelids had descended over its eyes, I could still feel them, staring up at the ceiling. I could barely sleep, knowing that glassy gaze was there beside me. A week later, I went and slept on the couch. A few hours later, I felt those warm arms embrace me, as it joined me on the couch.

?What are you doing??

- Snuggling! it chirped.

?I?d like to be by myself tonight, can you go back to bed??

- Unfortunately, I am not equipped with that upgrade. If you?d like to download solitude software, please say ?Yes? now. If you?d like to be reminded in thirty days, please say ?No? now.

?No!?

I tried to ease out from the enclosure of its arms, but they seemed to hold me in a grip of iron.

I spent the night staring at the ceiling.

The next morning, as soon as it released me, I took it to the cupboard and put it inside. Every now and then I heard a small thunk from somewhere in the house, the sound of someone walking into a door.

?Hey, I?ve had a really nice time tonight.?

- Me too, my date answered. Thanks for the ticket! That was a great show. Dinner was good, too. Thanks.

?Ah, no problem. Anytime, really. You should come round to dinner sometime.?

She sighed.

- Look . . . you?re a really nice guy, and I do like you, but I don?t think we?ll have dinner again.

Despondency must have registered dramatically on my face.

- I?m sorry. There?s . . . something?s just not there. You know? I am sorry.

?Yeah, of course. No problem!? I laughed. I went through the standard routine, trying to make her feel as good as she could about her decision, and we parted.

I went home and released it from its prison, where it had been for several months. Without words, we both went to bed, and I clung to it, as one would to a tree in a flash flood.

- You asked me to remind you about solitude software. If you?d like to download that upgrade, please say ?Yes? now.

I thought of the times when, as a child, I would feel an intense pain in my throat before weeping. I often imagined that the pain was a poison that came out in my tears. I wished terribly for that relief now, but nothing came. I stared blankly at the ceiling. I imagined I could see my loneliness physically hovering above me, a vast cloud that was descending on me from above, and that any moment gravity would reverse, and I?d fly screaming into the emptiness, flailing my arms to grab onto anything that would keep me.

?Please just hold me.?